When I moved into this house on Mother's Day this year, I made an Instagram post, sharing how hard the process was for me. I used the phrase "heart-cracking experience".

But as I've been pondering this since, I've started to think maybe that isn't quite the correct phrase.

I often figure things out by writing about them, so that's what I'm going to do here...it's like spitballing, except I'm using a keyboard.

So.

If something can be cracked, then we can presume that thing is hard or brittle. Nobody talks about cracking marshmallows, after all!

And the problem with hard or brittle things is that when pressure is applied, they do actually break, and the damage is often irreparable. Brittle stuff tends to shatter into a million pieces.

There's something to be said for being tough and hardened; those are protective features, and those features do tend to make things durable.

But I don't know that "tough and hardened" are really words that I want to use to describe my heart! Maybe I want my heart to be a little more like a trampoline: strong, but flexible and resilient.

How does one keep a soft heart?

That's a question I've been pondering, and I'm not sure I have the answers.

One thing that's occurred to me is that things like bitterness and cynicism are hallmarks of a hard and brittle heart.

And a helpless attitude might be a feature of a heart that is not very good at bouncing back.

So, perhaps the keys lie in the opposites of these things; maybe in forgiveness rather than bitterness.

Optimism instead of cynicism.

Empowerment instead of helplessness.

Responsibility instead of blame-shifting.

Maybe those things make a strong heart that can weather storms without breaking.

"What CAN I do?"

I sometimes feel discouraged because there is a lot about my trials that is out of my control. It would be pretty easy for me to get into a train of thought that leads to hopelessness.

When I face lots of stuff I truly can't fix, I've found it to be very helpful to ask myself, "Well, what CAN I do?"

For instance, I might not currently be able to have the house I own, but I can:

• settle into my rental
• explore the new neighborhood
• rehab furniture
• decorate my house
• meet the new neighbors
• appreciate all the good things about my rental

I may not be able to fix my marriage, but I can:

• work on my own mental and physical health
• love my kids
• feed my kids and myself
• pursue my nursing education
• volunteer locally
• work on my blog
• spend time with friends and family
• hunt for things to be grateful for

I don't know if this approach would work for everyone, but this attitude really, really helps me to bounce back when things get hard.

I think it's mainly because this question puts me in a position of power rather than a position of helplessness. And when I'm in a position of power, I'm much less likely to get stuck in a "Woe is me!" rut for a long time.

When I'm in that more powerful mindset, then I know that I can withstand what comes my way. I know how to handle myself, I know how to be content, and I know how to make the best of a hard situation.

I don't need life to be perfect; I know how to find beauty even in the midst of the hard.

To me, this feels like such a superpower!  I know I'll be able to find joy even when things are hard, so that means I don't have to be terrified about how things will turn out in my life. I know I'm going to be ok, regardless of the choices that other people in my life make.

And interestingly, this probably helps me to avoid bitterness. If I think that the hurtful actions of others have doomed me to misery, then I will feel helpless, bitter, and angry, and my heart will not be soft and resilient.

But if I know that I still can always make choices that lead to a beautiful, contented life, then I am much freer to have a forgiving, peaceful heart, not a bitter heart.

If someone else's choices have less control over me, then I will almost automatically feel less angry and bitter about their choices. And that puts me on a path to soft-hearted freedom.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your feedback on my rambles!

P.S. Please know that I am speaking in reference to my own life here. I'm describing my experience, not prescribing something for you. Your mileage may vary.

P.P.S. I do think it's fine (and even healthy) to experience a roller coaster of emotions in hard times. I've certainly had my fair share of unpleasant emotions during this time! My "What CAN I do?" question does not get rid of the roller coaster entirely, but it helps my roller coaster to have some ups instead of just downs; my roller coaster car isn't getting completely stuck at a low point.

The post Musings on a soft heart appeared first on The Frugal Girl.

Anyway, as I explored her other songs, I came across one I really like.

It's called "Happy (or Whatever)" and love that it touches on themes of envy and contentment; it's not often I hear a song written about these themes!

She talks about looking at ads online, or looking at other people's lives and how she finds herself thinking how much better their lives must be than hers:

I'm on the other side of the glass
Looking at the life they have
Ain't it so much better
It's always easier to believe
It's easy for them to be
Happy or whatever

And she realizes the pointlessness of this line of thinking:

Why do I do this
Play a game I keep losing
It's all so elusive
The closer I get the target keeps moving

Maybe I have all that I need
To be happier than ever

That line, "the closer I get, the target keeps moving", has really stuck in my head.

Therapists like to say, "Happiness is an inside job.", and the idea there is that your joy in life cannot be dependent on outside people, sources, or circumstances. Joy comes from work you do in your own heart.

In the same way, I think contentment is an inside job. And really, any of us who have tried to find contentment by chasing after some thing (whether it be a relationship, a family, a job, a location, money, or any number of other things!) have found this to be true.

How often have you thought, "I will be satisfied when ______."

And then when you get that thing, how often has it actually satisfied you? Did you magically feel content?

If you are like most of us, you probably just shifted your focus to something else that was wrong, or something else that you wanted. Or maybe you shifted your focus to whatever the next rung is on your ladder of success.

(And it's worth noting that a ladder of success is not necessarily just the corporate type. We make all sorts of other ladders of success!)

If you can be content with a little, then you can be content with a lot

I know I have typed this phrase in multiple other posts, but it bears repeating!

If you can be content in a small house, then you will also be content with a big house.

If you are not content in a small house, then you will probably not be content in a bigger house either.

(There will always be other, better, bigger houses!)

If you can find the good bits of life even in the midst a difficult situation, then you will probably also be able to do so if the difficult situation lets up.

But if you are unable to see the bits of mercy and light in the dark times, you will likely also have difficulty noticing those when the dark times get a little brighter.

As they say, "Wherever you go, there you are!" If you have a contented attitude, you will bring that with you to any situation or location.

And if you have a discontented attitude, the same is true; it will follow you wherever you go. 

So, what can you do?

I don't think contentment comes naturally to any of us, me included. So, the thing I always fall back on is this: trying to hunt for the good wherever I happen to be.

Taylor Leonhardt says, "I'm on the other side of the glass, looking at the life they have. Ain't it so much better?"

Looking at someone else's life with longing eyes is a surefire way to be miserable. 

But look at my own life with the intention to hunt for good is a surefire way to be less miserable! 

I am not trying to minimize suffering, of course. Hard circumstances are hard, and it is disingenuous to call them anything else. 

But in my experience, even in the hard, not-so-ideal times of life, there are always small mercies to be found. And the more I practice finding those small mercies, the better I get at seeing them, and the less I have a "why is my life not as good as other people's??" attitude. 

For a material-possessions example, here's how I hunted for the good regarding my tiny bathroom. 

For a location example, here's how I've thought about my neighborhood.

For a recent minor-suffering example, it wasn't fun to get omicron in January.

But:

• it was a pretty mild case
• it happened before the semester started, so I missed no classes
• I got sick before the girls did, so I didn't have to be careful around them once they  got sick
• now I really don't have to worry about getting sick with covid this semester! 

Also, I don't love that I fell and twisted my knee while carrying stuff out of the abandoned house with my brother and his wife.

But:

• my knee has slowly been getting better on its own
• it was not the worst knee injury I've ever had
• I didn't need crutches (I had crutches for months once when I was a teen)
• I have been able to still walk
• it didn't happen before my ski trip
• I'm the one who twisted my knee, not my brother or his wife (they left for another ski trip last week, so it would have been way worse if they had been the ones who tripped)
• there are escalators and elevators in public building and they helped give my knee a break from stair-walking

In a nutshell, two things can be true at the same time in my life:

• things are not quite how I'd like them to be
• there are small mercies to be found

Accepting that those two truths can co-exist has been hugely helpful to me! I can acknowledge that I'd like a larger bathroom or that I'd like to not be sick AND I can also appreciate the good about my bathroom, or see the small mercies in the timing of my sickness. 

Alrighty. 1000 words in, I think I will stop typing for today. 😉 

I usually ask a question at the end of my posts, but I'm not sure what to ask today! Ummm...say whatever you want in the comments. 

P.S. Relatedly, here are four ways I fight discontentment (the post was inspired by a time I got knocked over by discontentment)

The post "the closer I get, the target keeps moving" appeared first on The Frugal Girl.

And that got me thinking about how being easily pleased (or maybe "easily delighted") is kind of a super power, largely because it vastly improves the chances that you can be pleased on an everyday basis!

If you are only delighted when you eat at an upscale restaurant, you will be delighted pretty infrequently.

But if you can be delighted with some homemade soup and bread, you can be delighted nearly as often as you like.

If you are only happy when you get to go on a brand-new outdoor adventure, you will only get to have that happiness here and there.

But if you can stop and notice the beauty when you walk on your neighborhood streets, or you pay attention to the way that the seasons make your local walking route change, then you can find happiness right outside your front door. 

Some small pleasures that came to mind for me are:

• the sun on my face at any time of year
• a cup of coffee at home
• the delicious feeling of a cozy hoodie
• small beauties in nature, all year round (ice, snow, spring buds, flowers, fall colors)
• the luxury of sliding into fresh, clean sheets after I wash them and remake my bed
• the wonderful sensation of falling asleep at the end of a long day (I really like going to bed, if you couldn't tell!)
• the smell of homemade bread (sometimes I break open a fresh homemade roll and sniff it. So good!)

• a grilled cheese sandwich (ok, most sandwiches, honestly)
• the smell of outdoor air, especially in the spring
• the sound of my girls' laughter and giggles
• the smell of a fresh bar of soap, especially the handmade ones that organic stores sell
• the joy that I get from helping someone

All of these things are either free or nearly free and they don't require a lot of time, which means I can experience these happinesses on a near-daily basis.

And that's why I think this is a superpower. 🙂 

You can practice this!

I suppose there are some people for whom this comes more naturally, but I really think that with practice, most of us can become more easily delighted.

And I think we can mainly accomplish this by growing in our capacity to see and appreciate small things. In my experience, the more I keep an eye out for little joys, the more I find those little joys.

A few ideas that might help you in this practice:

• keep a journal with a tiny entry each day, listing a small pleasure or two
• take photos! This single practice has made a huge difference for me; I see the world differently than I did before I got into the habit of taking photos
• use your social media/texting to share small joys; I find that little delights are even more delightful when I share them with others
• communicate appreciation to others when they have been the source of a small joy in your life ("I love your style!" "Your laugh is infectious." "You crack me up." "The cookies you made are SO GOOD.")

I am sure that many of you are experts at this, so:

What practices help you to be easily pleased?

_______________

P.S. I think it should probably go without saying, but: there are senses in which being too easily pleased is a problem. For instance, if you are pleased with a terrible boss who is merely less toxic than the one you had before, that's a lapse in judgment.

Or if you have a spouse who never helps out and then you are are over the moon if that spouse pitches in and does 5% of the work, that's just you having standards that are too low. 

Anyway. That's not what I'm talking about in this post! 

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